Sorting through a box of
old photos last night, pictures I have not looked at for decades, I was surprised
to uncover evidence of a past life so far removed from where I am now that the
memory of it came back like a shock and left me unsettled.
My movement in the world then
had been very physical. My body was lean and I could feel the strength in it as
I moved across the land and through my world. It was a time of boundless,
mighty and passionate energy focused in outer activity. Years were spent
driving around the county helping to midwife new life in the world. Raising
kids. Burying myself in the rich, musty loam of the farm, growing food to eat
and sell at the market. Grinding wheat for baking bread in the wood fired brick
oven. Traveling the world teaching. Sharing birth stories to inspire others, to
remind them that they are perfect and powerful and know how to push life from
their bodies. I was an earth mother. Life was full and it was juicy. And it was
also impermanent.
A death, a fire and a
divorce… Seismic life shifts that cracked my frame. Paralyzing sorrow and
heartbreak followed, the kind that brings you to your knees and forces deep
inquiry into the Big Questions.
I was a mess. My journey led
me to the path of the Buddha. To tame my wild mind, open my heart, cultivate
loving compassion and live my life in service to others became my compass. It
pointed me in a direction that felt true and made sense.
After fourteen years living
and serving at a Tibetan Buddhist Retreat Center I felt a stirring, a deep yearning
to work in the field of death and dying. I was sixty-seven years old and had
been away from active nursing for many years. It was insane, absolute
craziness. But the courage came and a door opened. Two years ago I walked
through that door and moved to a coastal community to become a hospice nurse.
So… this is where I am now.
I am not lean and my body is not strong. I do not live a physical life. I do
not resemble those old photos. I am quiet and contemplative. My inner landscape
is rich. People reflect to me that I am calm and competent, but that is not
always my felt experience. I feel anxiety sometimes. I have doubt. I worry that
I do not know enough to do a good job. I am being stretched and constantly ride
an edge that is not comfortable. I dance everyday with the reality of change
and transition. It is difficult and it is wondrous. I have a job where I can be
tender and touch people. Sometimes I cry with them. It is intimate, skillful
work and I love it.
I do not fully understand
why I am where I am other than it feels like I am in alignment with my soul’s
journey, and I trust that. And at times when it is edgy and gritty, like sand
in an oyster, I wonder. Perhaps someday a pearl will appear…
